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Friday, July 16, 2010

Genesis (redux)

By Misopogon

Ed. note: Contrary to popular opinion, coffee was not created on the first day. Here is the latest translation of the Book of Genesis by my esteemed colleague, Misopogon.


Day 1: G-d makes light, yawns, turns out light, goes to bed.

Day 2: Creates sky, creates sea, zones out for awhile, does some Facebooking, calls it a day....

Day 3: Tells water to bunch up in one place so land can form. Sees a nice spot of land and takes a nap, then extends nap through night.......

Day 4: Thinks light was a good idea and extends it to his water-land creation with the sun. Plays Solitaire for a few hours. In evening, invents coffee....Tries to lay down. Can't sleep. Makes the moon which is like the sun but not so bright you can't sleep. Still can't get to sleep. So he starts making stars. And more stars. And more stars. All night: pock, pock, pock, pock...

Day 5: G-d didn't get any sleep the night before so he drinks a bunch of coffee. CREATOR ON JAVA SPLODE!!! Puts plants all over the place. Starts making creatures all over the sea -- weird ones of all shapes and sizes. Then puts animals in the sky. Then sees all of the animals loafing around and hollers at them to get moving, be fruitful and productive!!! Finally crashes around 11 and animals pass out.

Day 6: G-d drinks more coffee, and starts filling the land with creatures, beasts, livestock, reptiles, reptiles with no legs...then makes man in his image and invents elaborate scenarios for how man can serve him. Man finds one of the plants G-d made, G-d smokes it at behest of man, and declares the totality of creation to be "very good." Invents platypus.

Day 7: Chills out on man's couch, talking about how cool everything is.